?

Log in

beautymarked

(no subject)

Jun. 17th, 2012 | 10:06 am
mood: lonelylonely

Happy Fathers Day to you dad... 


 I'm about to go visit you and spend some time with you.


 everyday my heart misses you.


 love you.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

beautymarked

pass on

Dec. 21st, 2011 | 09:45 pm
mood: gloomygloomy

i hate the holidays.



never did I think I could feel THIS lonely.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

beautymarked

sore heart

Nov. 27th, 2011 | 10:31 am
mood: numbnumb
music: Adriana Calcanhotto - Mentiras | Powered by Last.fm

2 months today.


i still ache. i'm sure i'll ache for many many years to come. 
its still so hard to believe that my world has been absolutely shattered.

mom is in texas getting radiation and chemo.
dad has passed.


and there is.. me.


i feel alone, and it hurts.

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

beautymarked

hello dad

Oct. 26th, 2011 | 03:27 pm
mood: lonelylonely

I can't believe that tomorrow is already here. Just about a month since you've been gone. 
I just..want you back. Thats all, feels as if it could be so simple.

the house isn't the same, nothing is the same.


Mom is now in texas dealing with her cancer. 
I feel so ALONE. 

my heart my soul, im broken.

i'll see you tomorrow.. with a smile and flowers.

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

beautymarked

tears

Oct. 9th, 2011 | 10:44 pm
mood: draineddrained

its been almost 2 weeks since you've been gone.


i miss you ALL THE TIME.


I CAN'T FIX MOM.



your funeral was yesterday, and I stood up and read a speech about you.
i did amazing.

you would have been SO proud of me.


but .. fuck i miss you

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

beautymarked

love.pain.

Sep. 27th, 2011 | 09:32 pm
mood: distresseddistressed

7:22 am.


your beautiful spirit left with that bird this morning.




I'm honored to have been able to take the very best care of you dad.



I love you.

Link | Leave a comment {4} | Share

beautymarked

(no subject)

Sep. 26th, 2011 | 11:45 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted

so this is it... you're slipping away, and fast. I can't believe how fast this has happened. You're in your own bed though, with mom right now as she holds your hand. You two have a very beautiful story, such a love story. I'd have to say today was very hard, so hard to see you in the condition you're in. I mean, you don't respond anymore. Since I've walked in the door this morning, we didn't get to exchange any words. However I was able to lay in bed with you. Just you and me, and I got to tell you so many things as I held your hand. And yesterday, we did exchange our last words.." I love you.. I love you too Jess"

I just wish things were different. I could go on and on about how I want things, but there is no use.. soon before I know it..everything is going to chnage. We have a nurse outside the door, moms hand in yours, and family/friends out sleeping in the house. You're loved.

I'm feeling very angry and helpless, I want to fix all of this. I just want some miracle.. 



I'm glad that you're at least at peace, and comfortable.



I'm going to miss you so much...

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

beautymarked

morning words

Sep. 26th, 2011 | 08:51 am
mood: numbnumb

you're on morphine now. 
i sit here next to you, as you lay on the couch.. pretty lifeless.

fuck. what has happened. I stare and stare at you.. so confused. why does this have to happen to such a brilliant, selfless man?



you're asleep, you're on medication. i just want to talk to you!!! I just want to have a conversation... like the old days. I miss you so much. I know you're still here.. breathing. barely holding on, but i just miss US.



mom is eating yogurt at the kitchen table, just staring into space. my heart is broken for her. 



sighs.. so this is it..its all coming to an end. the one thing that you'd pray over and over.. not to get.. you're laying there..dying from it.

i'm so sorry Rocco.. I wish I could take the pain from you.

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS 






I LOVE YOU, and i will forever make you so proud.



thank you for your class ring. x

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

beautymarked

night shift.

Sep. 23rd, 2011 | 10:00 pm
mood: melancholymelancholy


 looks like I'm on night duty. the nurse, Ricky who took care of Rocco last night was supposed to take care of him tonight also. I mentioned to you before that he takes the bus, and someone picks him up. Anyhow, around 8:40 or so, I go and wait...and wait..and wait some more. Called him a few times, nothing. 
Anyhow, Millie ends up calling again..and woke him up. He had overslept. Mom told him not to come, that we'll do it on our own tonight and to come tomorrow. 
Mom is exhausted, so I sent her to bed. Millie is up, but I told her to go relax for a bit. She refused, however I made her. 
So now I sit here at the kitchen table with the pups in a dim light watching over Coco. I'm far from tired, so that's comforting. I have a hot cup of Joe, my laptop, and most importantly Promethea. So I'll be good as can be.




 It was heartbreaking tonight. Mom broke down..to me. She let me in on many things that she is absolutely terrified about. I had that forever lump in my throat listening to her, even speaking to her. "Its so scary to just lose your best friend, its unfair" she tells me.. and the tears trickle so fast down her face. MY heart broke listening to all her words, her fears, her dreams have been absolutely crushed. Listening to her even tonight put all new thoughts to my mind.. its unbelievable when you think that its enough.. the list goes on and on with mom. Sighs.. fuck.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

beautymarked

thats exactly why.

Sep. 22nd, 2011 | 09:55 pm
mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
music: wild nothing - live in dreams

 
it's been almost 8 months since I wrote.


The change that has happened, so fast. so fucking fast, you've gotten sick. I sit here in your bedroom as you lay sick on the couch in the kitchen. Tonight a nurse is watching over you through the night. To make sure you don't fall.... again. I feel as if i'll forever have nightmares about seeing you fall these past couple of days. Looking at you, every single glance I catch.. I want to just take all your pain away. Seeing you slowly die, slowly get your life taken from you due to this fucking cancer makes me feel such an array of emotions. 
I don't want you to leave. I mean, you just can't leave. You scooped us up, and gave us such an amazing life. Why does this have to be cut short?! I'm not even 31 years old, I have so so many more years to make you even more proud me. My throat is burning right now, trying to hold back the tears.. this just can't be happening. I mean, you're such a brilliant, most genuine man there is. You give people life, you make them feel better, you ..simply CARE for them. I'm sorry Rocco, I'm so so so so so so so sorry that this has to happen to you. I'm absolutely helpless, and this is just something I can't fix. 
I'm so scared. I'm scared to not have you around us. I'm... scared.


I love you I love you I love you..always I love you...

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share